


I Didn’t Choose To

by Disciplineiskey



Series: My Best Film Ruined My Life [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Don’t be fooled by the first chapter, Feminization, It’s gonna get weird guys, Kinky, Light Angst, M/M, Porn with feelings with not that much porn, feelings with a side of porn?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24350488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disciplineiskey/pseuds/Disciplineiskey
Summary: When people mention us now, they love us or hate us. And when they say we are the new Brangelina like an interviewer once jokingly did, they don’t mean that we are the chosen parents of America, they say it in the sense that we fell in love on a film set and broke up a marriage. And I’m the whore who shamelessly stole a man from his wife and 2 children. When they say we are the new Brangelina, they mean that even though we broke up a marriage, Hollywood still loves us.This was supposed to be shameless smut but I got emotional...anyway lookout for some porn in the end
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Series: My Best Film Ruined My Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783030
Comments: 27
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More like my self indulgent fantasy...  
> This is my first fanfic ever, I wanted to write shameless pwp but it took a life of its own and I ended up with more plot than I imagined, I know this is short but I thought I’ll post it first. The porn will follow soon! Please be gentle, all comments are welcomed!
> 
> All fiction of course.

I don’t know when it started. I didn’t choose to.I was just there for the biggest role of my career, I was 20 years old, I didn’t choose to fall in love with a married man.

When people mention us now, they love us or hate us. And when they say we are the new Brangelina like an interviewer once jokingly did, they don’t mean that we are the chosen parents of America, they say it in the sense that we fell in love on a film set and broke up a marriage. And I’m the whore who shamelessly stole a man from his wife and 2 children. When they say we are the new Brangelina, they mean that even though we broke up a marriage, Hollywood still loves us. 

It’s ok, I’m way past the self loathing phase, which, mind you, was a long ass phase. But I didn’t choose to fall in love with him, the same way he didn’t choose me. Not at first. We tried to be good for so long. And it was ok. We both had a blooming career, he had a picture perfect family, I had all my dreams come true, it was ok.

Only that it wasn’t supposed to be just “ok” when you look like you have the whole world in one hand. I’m not going to complain that life was hard, I had everything else I wanted, I was happy a lot of the times, but I never felt like me unless I was with him.

I didn’t choose to fall in love with a married man, the same way he didn’t choose to fall in love with a kid almost a decade younger, a boy. People used to say that he hit his midlife crisis at 30, falling for a young kid who worshipped him when his wife is pregnant with their second child. No matter that it’s not how it happened. No matter whatever we felt back then, we didn’t act on until years later, when our goodness can no longer be trusted to guide our actions. 

I waited for him for 3 years, 3 years of feeling just ok, 3 years of the occasional pain of not able to touch him when I see him, of not able to map his skin that I had once known, of not able to tell him I loved him without adding the mandatory “bro” to disguise what we both knew. 

Sometimes I resented Luca. It was cruel of him to cast Armie as Oliver - a man with responsibilities like Oliver, with an unforgiving family like Oliver, with golden hair like Oliver. The irony of how my reality mirrored Elio’s never left me. 

Maybe it was those 3 years that added to the inevitable fallout of our pretense, for despite being professional actors, we could not draw out the friend act any longer. And people have tried, oh they’ve tried, his family, my team, the length they’d gone to make sure that we adhered to what everyone wanted us to be.  I got a girlfriend.  A girlfriend that we made sure everyone saw, a girlfriend whom I had to publicly make out with so that the paparazzi could get high resolution pictures to publish. Because “you have to be straight to get a job in Hollywood” even though they celebrated me for my gay film.

That’s why I don’t give a shit to what anybody thinks anymore, that’s why a month later I had to see him, I had to tell him, to confess my sins to him. My sin for wanting him, for all those times I said one thing and meant another, for being a boy, for being too young, for loving him and for not able to pretend I don’t anymore. “Please forgive me,” I said, because I’ve tried so hard, and I knew he did too, and I was destroying our peace right then.

He told me there was nothing to forgive, he told me he was sorry, not just to me. And he didn’t need to elaborate. we both knew it was done, we dropped the pretense, now we have to deal with the consequences.

He had asked me if I was sure, even then his first instinct was to make sure he did what was best for me. I didn’t ask him to walk away from his life, if he’d just spared me his time once in a while in a secret hotel room, I’d happily comply, I just needed to be with him to be truly alive.

He left his wife for me, he uprooted his life and moved to New York for me, he risked his career by being with me. All these, for me. He could’ve chosen the easy route, he could’ve told me to fuck off, to bury my feelings so we could be good for the world, but that’s not him. That’s not the man who always had the fuck all attitude, not my man. That’s why I don’t regret a second of the wait, I have him now. 

Yes, my man. I love saying that, I love the sound of those two words from my mouth. He’s the best man I’ve ever known, the best son, father, husband, caregiver, he is perfect for me. When he goes on stage I’ll say to whomever next to me, that’s my man. And not in a casual “that’s my man!” tone the way you proudly talk about a friend, but in a knowing way you talk about a lover, knowing that he’s mine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They work through some stuff, and a twist at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this and deleted it bc I was so nervous about it...I did some edits and decided it’s gotta come out anyways! (Praying for my soul)
> 
> And I know I said porn is coming but I can’t seem to control these two and here we have more...feelings. I’m sorry I swear there’s no room for feelings anymore after the end of this chapter! You’ll see...

“Jesus, Tim, how many pairs of shades do you _need_?” He shakes his head. We’re flying to LA to see Harper and Ford, his heart and soul that he left on the West Coast. 

I still feel incredibly guilty and undeserving at moments like this, I can say that I owe the public nothing for my love for him, but I can’t say the same to his children. I took their father away from them, a father who cooks and plays and spends time with them whenever he can. 

“It’s LA! And I gotta look good for the paps.” I try to quip.

He rolls his eyes, “OKAY la muvi star.”

I climb onto his back and nuzzle his hair, he laughs, rolls me to the side and gives me a peck on the nose. I hang onto him like a baby koala while he packs. It’s moments like this that makes me feel so much younger than him, he’s so big and strong and treats me with delicacy. Sometimes I feel like his care as a lover almost blends with his paternal side. I wonder if he was ever the same way with Elizabeth, or is it just to me because of my age?

It fills me with love and breaks my heart at the same time whenever I see him talk to his children, he’s such a great father, but he couldn’t be with them because I happened. I wish I can make a child with him, we would have the most beautiful French-American baby that anyone has ever laid eyes on.

“I want to make a baby with you.”

He snickers, I can feel his chest vibrating a calm amusement with mine plastered to his back. “I already have a baby, and he’s clingy as fuck. Now do you want to pack for yourself or do you want to get off daddy’s back?”

“Fuck you.” I slap his shoulder as I stand up on my feet. “Don’t make this weird!”

He laughs heartily and I fake a wince. It’s not that I’m opposed to the practice of sexualizing the “daddy” pronoun, I’m sure I’ve called him that once or twice when I’m fucked out of my mind, and he’s not the most vanilla lover in the world, to say the least. But we’ve never flirted like that. And I already hate the age gap sometimes. I hate that people see me as a naive kid who blindly fell into hero worship, I hate that they see me as an attempt for him to find youth and excitement after being stuck in a long, stale marriage, I hate that they see HIM as someone needing that kind of validation. It’s insulting to him, and to our relationship.

He must’ve sensed I wasn’t feeling my best, because he walked over with the gentlest eyes and knelt in front of where I sat on the bed, and hugged my legs. “Hey, what’s wrong baby?”

I didn’t know what to say. He was so loving and soft and his voice drips of so much warmth I wanted to cry. I always get overwhelmed with the emotions I feel from him and for him. 

“It’s not fair.” Was what I was able to bite out. 

“It’s so not fair. I want to have a baby with you. And I can’t do anything about it, I...I’m a guy!” I huff and feel incredibly angry and stupid at the same time, I feel like a petulant child and it’s precisely what I’ve been avoiding, and what if, oh my god, what if he thinks it’s because I’m jealous of Ford and Harper and that I didn’t want to go with him and want a baby for him to be all mine?? Shit.

“Shit, fuck I’m sorry, that was stupid. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” I’m looking anywhere but at him. 

He lifts his chin from my thigh and grabs my hands, “Hey, hey! Timmy, baby, stop that. I know what you’re doing, stop that train of thought. Who says we can’t? If you really want we can get a surrogate when you’re ready,” Please don’t say I’m too young, I beg in my head. “We can start a family if that’s what you want, if you still want me when the day comes.” 

How can he say that? I’ve wanted him for 5 years and I’ll want him for the rest of my life. 

“How can you say that? And that’s not what I meant. I want something that’s entirely ours, I want them to have your hair and your eyes and my nose and face.” I snapped.

I’m mad that we can’t telepathize, I wish he could just read my mind, then we won’t ever have to say a word to one another, we could spend all of our days kissing and fucking and molding into the other, because then we won’t have any more doubts.

“Well, you can do much better than me.” He says half-jokingly.

You are the best. There is no one better. 

“No I can’t. You love me the best.” His blue eyes are a shimmering ocean, and I don’t feel a taint of embarrassment saying that. I don’t ever want him to feel less than what he is, which he does a lot, to my bewilderment.

“You’re right about that,” He kisses my knuckles, “why would you doubt something you know? You always get the nerves before we visit, stop that. I’m right where I belong, and they love you.”

And then I realized, maybe he can read my mind. I sigh and touch his jaw, “Shit. I know. I’m sorry.”

I don’t want to tell him about the guilt, I can’t, because then he’ll feel it too, we pretend that our guilt aren’t there, hoping it’ll go away. He knows, and he knows that I know. But I also know that what we have is given once only, I will always fight for it.

“We’re gonna be ok.” He carries me into his lap. I bury myself into his chest and breathes him in.

“And we’re gonna make that baby tonight!” He proclaims while biting into my neck. 

Fuck, I love him. 

//

We ended up taking a nap after everything’s packed. I love being wrapped in his big arms and falling asleep to his perfect face, he’s clean shaven for a new project, looking like he walked right out of the Met. 

I awoke with a jolt, feeling unusually groggy after a weird dream, a sex dream involving a certain blond god. I trace the line of his jaw to his mouth, pulling on his bottom lip. 

“Good morning.” He said with a raspy voice that would make every man and woman weak. “What time is it?”

“It’s fuck me o’clock.” It’s 5pm, we have time before dinner. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Lets make that baby now, Hammer.” 

His hand moves down my waist and squeezes my ass, I spread my legs for him, taking his hand to my crotch.

“What the fuck?” He freezes. “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Then I feel it too. 

I have a vagina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we are. You still there?? (Peeking)
> 
> It’s gonna get weirder...but like, hot weird? This is not what you think! (Maybe it is, but also it’s not...) Again, love it or hate it let me know (jk don’t tell me if you hate it)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, the main course. That was entirely too much set up for what was supposed to be plain and simple smut. unbeta-ed, might edit later :)

Then I feel it too. 

I have a vagina.

We look at each other like we’ve just seen Medusa. This couldn’t be real.

I’m a man. Born with a cock that has stayed with me for 25 years. And it just decided to leave me on this day? What did I ever do wrong, God of Cock? NOT saying having a vagina is WRONG, I love vaginas (maybe not on a personal level anymore), vaginas are great, I’ve read the vagina monologues and stand by it. But that doesn’t mean I can deal with suddenly in the possession of one. Is this a bad dream?? I don’t remember taking any drugs beforehand. 

“DUDE”

“Yeah...”

“Are we tripping?”

“I don’t fucking know, Tim.”

“I guess my body really wanted to make a baby.” I’m cracking dry ass jokes. It’s how I cope with shock.

“I think I might be high.” Armie seem to have lost control of his facial muscles.

“Do you miss vaginas?” I don’t know why I’m asking this, “like, compared to my ass, which is better?” AGAIN I AM COPING.

“Timothée...please...I don’t think I’m mentally apt to answer that right now.” He’s staring into the ceiling now.

“Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, ass to pussy ratio, go.” I start laughing.

“Your coping mechanism is fucking traumatizing.” 

“I know, but what’s the normal response to this! Alexa, what to do when your penis decides to take a walk?”

Finally he joins me in a hysterical laugh, “Holy fuck, I just...” he hesitates for a second, “can I see?”

I reach my own hand down there. “Ugh! It’s so weird! Oh my god oh my god!” I’m giggling like a 13 year old boy who just discovered sex.

“First time touching a lady part?” I think his wits are slowly returning, or we have both lost it.

“Shit I don’t wanna look, you look.” I swing an arm over my eyes.

“Holy fuck”

“No shit.”

“I don’t know how I feel about this”

“YOU don’t know how YOU feel about this?? Jesus when I was having a temper tantrum I didn’t think I’d literally become a woman!”

“Calm down, at least you don’t have tits yet.”

“YET.” 

“What do we do now since Alexa doesn’t have a clue? That dumb bitch, I’m gonna call her manager.”

He can always make me laugh. 

“You remember how to fuck pussy?” I stare at him from above. I can see the wheels turning in his head. He’s confused and apprehensive. “It’s been a while, might be out of practice.” His voice is lower.

Then a thought came to me. I mean, I’ve never told him this, but I once watched a gangbang porn video where the actress was filled to the brim in both holes. And it looked hot.

Thinking about that really is turning me on. _What_ is wrong with me?

“Well you said you were going to fuck me.” 

“Fuck hell, Tim.” He lets out a heavy breath.

“Yes, fuck Tim.”

Suddenly he slapped me in between my legs, where my dick would’ve been. “You’re being a bad boy.”

“Then punish me,” I smile slyly, “this could all be a fever dream so why not?” I bite on my bottom lip, I’m starting to lose my breath.

He leans down in a swift movement and catches my mouth in between his teeth, I hook my legs over his hips and moan into him. This is where I belong, in his arms, all around him, and him all around me. He makes me want to devour him, become him. When he touches me I have touched the universe. 

“I want you inside me, show me how you do it.”

He keeps kissing and grinding into me, squeezing me so hard I’m having trouble breathing. God this feels good, I involuntarily clench down there, I wonder if it’ll be as painful as my first time with him. His hand skims over my nipple down to my ass, hands big enough to hold all of my ass cheek and kneads it mercilessly. His everything is big. He makes me feel small, and safe, always safe with him.

Then I feel his fingers sliding over my entrance, it’s already wet, he roughly flicks my folds before taking off his boxers. And in one thrust he slides in, I let out a yelp. 

“You said show you, this is how I fuck them.” His eyes intense, biting into my neck with a groan. He acts tough but he stops, waiting for me to adjust. 

“Wow, Hammer. Ever improved your approach since you met your last partner at 20?” I’m breathless.

“Well if she didn’t like it she hid it well.” He moved in retaliation, but at the same time searching my eyes for signs of real discomfort.

There weren’t any, I feel full...and good. “Fuck me, make me yours.” I look to him pleadingly. I have officially lost any sense of shame, I am a slut for him, always have been. What we do in the bedroom most people will deem scandalous, perverted, sick.I am happy to be sick with him, I’ll let him have me any way he wants, tie me up, spank me, choke me, spit on me. His dominance satiates my appetite, I want him in every way, will take anything he gives me.

He starts a punishing rhythm, no easing into it, just a hard fuck, it’s what I want.

I’m sure our neighbors can hear me through the walls, my vision is a blur, his mesmerizing eyes the only thing holding me in place. 

“God...Yes, right there!”

He slaps me across my face, “You want me to fuck you harder? Fill your pussy with my cum?”

“Yes fuck yes, cum inside me, fill all my holes.” I’m almost crying. His sweat drips on my face and I want to drink it.

“What do you say?”

“Please, _please_ Daddy.” He likes this, likes to be in control, and I love to give it to him, love that he makes me beg for it. He drives me to forget all the manners I was taught, we don’t know anybody but each other in this moment.

“What a whore.” He pants, increasingly losing control with his thrusts. He stuffs two fingers into my lips and I suck passionately on them, swallowing them whole, moaning and whimpering, imagining I’m sucking his cock. He curses under his breathe and fucks my mouth along with my cunt. He looks so hot like this, all focused on fucking me senseless with his dark blond hair falling in front of his eyes. 

After a few pumps, he pulls out of both my mouth and down there at the same time, I scream. He can’t leave me like this, he can’t be this cruel, I’ll die, I’ll die right now if I don’t have him back in me. 

”Calm down baby.” He purrs, trying to soothe my crazed protests. He reaches for the drawer and I instantly reach up and help him, fumbling open the lube, I don’t know what he’s doing, I just know he needs to shove his dick inside me ASAP. Lube and  spit-slicked fingers circles my asshole. He slowly penetrates me from behind, I’m so fucked out that I don’t feel any discomfort, only more want. The moment he starts rubbing my prostate my eyes rolled all the way back into my skull and blacked out.

Then he pulled out again, at this point I’m a writhing and whining mess, but he quickly pushes his cock back into my new vagina and I want nothing else in the world. 

“Hmmph.” There was no words to be formed anymore, my brain stopped working. He starts fucking me in the pussy with his cock, and in the ass with his fingers. Thrusting and pumping, thrusting and pumping. I want to be here forever, with my body full of him, we are one and I don’t want him to leave ever.

When I came back to my senses, my body is still convulsing while he spills into me. 

Now I’m bound to have his baby. If it doesn’t happen, I will have him fuck his seeds into me until my belly is bloated with cum. I will get pregnant, carry his child, and give birth to them. This is how it was supposed to be. I don’t care what I am, I just want to be his. 

He collapsed on top of me, in a daze I grab him along his arms, feeling his hard muscles relaxing. 

“Tim, babe, wake up.”

“I am awake, I just...blacked out...”

I hear him chuckle. “Get up, it’s time for dinner, and your dick is not helping.”

What is he talking about? I don’t have a dick anymore, that was the point, I’ve decided I’m going to have his baby.

I slowly open my eyes. And...oh.

He’s in his T shirt and boxers, I look down and I am in mine. I reach down again, not sure what I want to find there. 

...

Well, My dick is back.

I stare at him for a full minute. 

I didn’t choose to have a traumatic experience finding out I have a vagina and then coming to terms with it only to have it taken away from me. Fuck the baby! Fuck Armie Hammer! He’s making me go crazy, I have to stop loving him.

“I had a _fucking_ _weird_ dream...” I was joking about stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually didn’t get to write the weird kink I set out to do...it didn’t feel natural, and I have no idea if this was actually hot, so pleaaase let me know😭

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I’m very nervous about this so I’d love to hear your thoughts!


End file.
